again, like a traveler

Internet cafe again, like a traveler. i am a traveler, again. its what i want. its the leaving, the feeling loved by the few you met who loved you and give to you all they have that last time they see you cause they wonder if they ever will again. that is so much of the travelers addiction. to feel loved when leaving. its the unsettled feeling too. its the way each leap across the ocean shakes me up, makes my dreams so much more vivid. i feel it in my belly. this fear, this excitement, of what can be, of what might be next. into my 30s already, but i chose to trade it up. never had a house, a car. ive never even bought a tv (it was a furnished apartment, this last i lived in with ai in osaka). would love these things. big flat tvs and fancy cars. even just a shitty car. i dont yet envy the white picket fence mind you. the fireplace, yes. the fence, no. but its a tradeup. i chose experiences for my 20s, for all my 20s and a couple 30s too. to have lived on a kibbutz near jerusalem, or in a lousy apartment with a pyscho of a neighbour on St. Marc in Montreal, or the place in ikeda city ai and i have spent these last couple years by an airport and a highway, which is to say by concrete and more concrete, that also, by sheer and absolute dumb luck, was a second floor place with a balcony overlooking a grassless wee parkette (dirt ground) not much more than a slide for the kids to play on, but two sakura trees, one of whose branches would reach to our balcony and for 2 precious weeks a year, the cherry blossoms like soft pink, nearly white popped popcorns would flutter down around our laundry hanging out to dry.

so i traded up the pension starting, investment planning, house buildings, career solidifying usual route i was to have taken, according to text books and guidance counelors, according to family members immediate and distant, and anyone else with advice, help, love, judgment, suggestion.

i could already have a house. i could even have owned my very own toaster oven by now. but i decided fuck it. you only live once. wonder how long ill stick around in toronto this time. dont know, but promise ill be getting a toaster oven first thing. cant live without one.